January 9, 2008 — Erica Watson (Views: 301)
Recently I was approached by a new female friend of mine who told me that she had a guy she wanted to hook me up with. Now, normally I am the one who is playing matchmaker! And even though I hate being hooked up, I decided to give it a try. She told me that he was a correctional officer, no kids, owns a home in the Bronx and that I was just his type because he loves women with big breasts.
And then I asked the question. "What does he look like?" She smiled and said "Girl, he is fine! He is 6'2 and built like a football player! And to top it off, you all have the same color eyes. Trust me girl, you all have a lot in common."
And she was right! When I met him we had EVERYTHING in common. We were the same complexion, we had the same color eyes, the same texture of hair, the same hips, same breasts and the same thighs! Yes, he was a full-figured man and he looked just like me! And is it me, or do light skinned guys with hazel eyes look gay?
I digress.......
Now this is going to sound crazy but I DO NOT, and I stress DO NOT like FULL-FIGURED MEN! The last thing I need to do is date a guy who shops at Lane Bryant just like me. I would be afraid to go out with him because we might show up in the same tiger print shirt from Ashley Stewart.
I like skinny men! Tall, skinny chocolate men! Not fat light skinned men with hazel eyes and big breasts.
Why would she hook Me up with Me? I'm single, which means that I've been in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with myself for a long time! I haven't had sex with anyone but Me for the last year! It's time for a change! I don't want to have sex with me anymore, even if it is the MALE version of me..it's still ME!!!
And he was not too happy about the situation either. When he came to the bar, he looked so upset when he saw me. He walked up to me and I could read his thoughts : "I thought Mary said Erica was a mixture between Raven Simone and Beyonce. She looks like she mixed them together and ate both of them!"
Nevertheless, we sat together and tried to enjoy each other's company. At first the conversation was very dry. Then something magical happened.
A big girl, who looked a HOT MESS started dropping it like it's hot in the middle of the dance floor. She attacked every man that came in her path and eventually Popped, Locked and Dropped it into a split that she could not get up from. She stayed in that split for about 10 minutes and rocked from side to side, screaming in pain, until finally someone helped to push her to one side and dragged her off the floor.
Me and the Male Me laughed so hard, that we forgot about our own fat prejudices towards each other and turned them all towards the Fat Dance Floor Maniac!
My motto for the year is go for WHATCHU LIKE!!! He didn’t like me, and I didn’t like him…and that’s okay!
Speaking of going for WHATCHU LIKE…..
I am not one to promote music groups, but I have to tell you all about these ladies! I love them!!!
The group is called NO LABEL. They are an unsigned urban pop rock group based out of Maryland.
NO LABEL will debut its video for “Whatchu Like”, the first single from No Label’s album, Shock and Aww, on Thursday, January 10, 2008 at Jaxx Nightclub (6355 Rolling Road, West Springfield, VA 22152). Doors open at 7:30pm and admission to the general public is $10.00.
I hope everyone goes out to see the premieire of the video!!!
No Label was formed in 2005 and is comprised of 5 spectacular women who are creative and focused. No Label’s members are LA native, Danni, Detroit native, Krys and Tennessee native, CJ. Shawn Michelle and Dada are from Maryland.
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No Label’s sound is described as “urban pop rock.” No Label’s member, Shawn Michelle, describes their sound as “Take The Pussycat Dolls, stir in The Black Eyed Peas, and add a dash of TLC and you have No Label.”
So…if you want to hang out with these beautiful women, and you love supporting hot new acts…please go to the JAXX NIGHTCLUB in VA on Thusday night!!! Let me know how the party is.
GO for WHATCHU LIKE in 2008!!!
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November 15, 2007 — Erica Watson (Views: 321)
Fat on Fat Crime is a new epidemic that is sweeping the nation. With all the prejudice and discrimination that is already going on in the world, who would ever think that Fat people would start taking it upon themselves to commit hideous acts of Random Fat Violence on one another. It is a damn shame! I have recently been the victim of two incidents of Fat on Fat Crime, and I am making it my duty to fight this with all of my might! The thought of Fat on Fat Crime has me sick with hunger pains deep down in my soul. Hopefully writing about this will help to ease the pain. If not, Dallas BBQ Sticky Wings will have to do the trick!
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On Friday September 21st, 2007 I hosted a full-figured fashion show called “The Art of Curves”. The event was the brainchild of Photographer/Publicist BLACQUE SOUTHERLAND of HSS& A inc. Blacque, who is also a very beautiful full-figured woman, said her goal was to create a unique presentation of plus size fashions for the sexy, urbane women of today. Okay...that sounds like me! I am so tired of going out and seeing every fat girl rocking the same outfit. You can always tell when Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart have a sale because every big girl you see looks like a zoo exploded on her. Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My! If I see another fat chick wearing a zebra print jumpsuit at a New Years’ Eve party I am going to snap! Therefore, I just knew that the Art of Curves fashion show was going to be a breath of fresh air!!!
Some of the designers she featured included MONIF C., SUE ROCK ORIGINALS, MEWV, SVOBODA, BGU, FAT GIRL FLEA MARKET, ABBY Z. and TRENTACOSTA just to name a few. They are all on the cutting edge of full figured fashion ,and are trying to pay attention to the woman of size who many times is ignored by the fashion industry. Although, I’m not sure if all of them practice what they preach!
Now, as the host, Blaque told me that one of the designers would provide clothes for me. Seeing that my make-up was going to be taken care of by the show as well, I came there looking a hot mess. My face was bare, no make-up and my natural hair was all over the place. I looked a bit like Florida Evans the day James got killed. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Actually, without make-up and my weave, I look like Evilene, (minus the flying monkeys, of course).
Basically, I did not look cute, but I didn’t need to. I was going to get “beat for the Gods” by the fashion experts at the show.
I walked in the dressing area, and there were some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen that were all size 10 and up. These women had the most amazing bodies and I felt proud to be among them! These models were what I envisioned Amazons to look like. My sexuality almost came in to question as I stared at some of the juiciest women you have ever seen. These girls were thick FOR REAL...they were gorgeous! I was a lesbian for a good 20 minutes!
BLAQUE comes in and announces “Hello Ladies. This is Erica Watson, she is our host for this evening. I need a designer to supply clothes for her!” The room fell silent. None of the designers wanted to acknowledge me. At that moment I felt like Sophia in The Color Purple when she was surrounded by all the white men in the town square right before they knocked her out. Yes, I looked a mess! I didn’t look pretty at that moment. And yes, I was the BIGGEST girl in the room. But isn’t this a full-figured fashion show? Shouldn’t someone have something that can fit me?
One by one the designers declared “I don’t have anything her size!” “Blaque, you didn’t tell me you needed THAT size!” I stood there in shock. Here I was a big girl, in a big girl world and NO ONE wanted me to wear their clothes. One designer, Monif C. (I love her clothes!) did come up to me personally to say how sorry she was that she didn’t have my size. I fought back the tears.
Finally one of the designers from STREETWALKER approached me and said “Baby, I’m sorry. I just don’t think you can fit any of my stuff. But, I know someone here must have your size!”
She screamed out to the room “Ladies, this girl is the HOST tonite. If you put her in your clothes you will get more attention! People will see her all night! Surely you all can take one of your models off the runway and put that outfit on the HOST!”
No one said anything.
Luckily I had bought something from my closet. A cute Ashley Stewart strapless jumpsuit (Animal Print FREE). The STREETWALKER designer said “Baby wear your own clothes, and I will put jewels on you! Don’t worry! I’ll make you look pretty!” She instructed her assistant Nafeesa to help me. Thank God for these women, they really looked out for me! Nafeesa helped me with my hair, my outfit, and reassured me that I would look fabulous no matter what!
If you are designing clothes for the plus sized fashionista who is stylish, outgoing and a urban trendsetter, wouldn’t you want a girl like me to wear your clothes?
I’m not bragging, but here I am, a stand-up comedian who travels all over the country performing. I’m starring in a new film Dirty Laundry that will be in theaters nationwide in December. I’m also co-starring in the new Lee Daniels film called “PUSH” that will be in theaters next year. I have two national commercials on the OXYGEN NETWORK right now, and not to mention that I am the DIRECTOR of a reality show about FASHION called “My Model Looks Better Than Your Model” that is on the BETJ Network. As I type this, I am on the set of another film I am starring in called The Ghosts of Time Square. Basically, a fat bitch like me is hustlin’ for real!!!!
And none of these stupid fat bitches stopped to think that dressing me could be beneficial to their clothing line? WTF?
We always complain that we do not have enough positive images of plus size women on tv and in film. Well, Erica Watson is on her way, and none of these designers thought that maybe for a second, they may want to dress a chick that will be on the red carpet this fall. If you search for me on Wire Images and other entertainment sites, you will see pictures of me already on the red carpet for various events. What is the purpose of designing clothes for fat women if you don’t want a fat chick that is actually on tv to wear them. I’m not a celebrity, YET! And I stress YET! But so what. Why not start the networking process now? And who cares about me being on tv. None of that stuff really matters because these clothing lines should accept ALL big girls with open arms.
I went in the bathroom and cried. I cried one of those sloppy snot cries like after your momma beats you for dropping red kool-aid on her white carpet! Or better yet, the snotty cry after being the victim of FAT ON FAT CRIME!
I pulled myself together. Put on my wig (Thank you Hair Flare Inc.). Got my make-up done. Got dressed in my Ashley Stewart Clearance Rack jumpsuit and let STREETWALKER jewel me up! They even sprayed a scented oil on me that smelled so good, and lifted my spirits. I felt like a pretty girl! A Pretty Fat girl! And no matter what, I had to go out here and host my show!!!
I did a great job! A gave shout outs to the company all throughout the show, as well as a company called HAIR FLARE, Inc that had amazing lace front wigs! During intermission I ran into Carrie and Jessie, the co-founders of one of my favorite plus size magazines called SKORCH! They said I looked Amazing and that made me feel even better!
Once I was done hosting, I had to leave and go to perform in a play called “Craigslist: Live and Unauthorized!” that same night. Right before I went on stage I remembered what happened at the fashion show and I realized at the moment why it is so important for me to remember to love myself and present a positive image for women of ALL sizes.
They say that 90% of crime victims are assaulted by members of their own race. I must say that being a victim of a fat fashion drive by shooting is the worst. Instead of leaving the show feeling proud to be plus sized, I felt angered and ashamed. On one hand, maybe if you are too big to fit the clothes at a big girl fashion show that means you REALLY need to lose some weight. On the other hand, maybe the reason the plus size community is discriminated against so much is because we are some of the main culprits who “hate” on ourselves.
Ironically, one of my closest friends in NYC, a beautiful white girl named Mara Herron who by my standards in the perfect size 8 called me after the show so pumped! She left the following message: “Erica, I love full-figured black women! They were all so fucking gorgeous and their bodies were so amazing! From now on, I am going to love my body and celebrate my size 8 and all of my curves. I am a curvy white bitch and I am proud of who I am. Thank you for inviting me to the show! I love big girls! Big girl power!”
So, Mara left the show proud to be her size. But I left the big girl show wishing I was a size 8. How ironic.
Fat on Fat Crime hurts us all!
P.S.
This blog may burn some bridges, but I have nothing to lose (but weight). Actually losing weight will help me not have to deal with self-hating designers ever again. Luckily places like SIZE APPEAL and IGIGI have sent boxes of clothes for me to wear in the past! Thank God! I plan on wearing them on the red carpet for the Dirty Laundry premiere!!!
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August 22, 2007 — Erica Watson (Views: 296)
Just when you have nothing to BLOG about, God sends you an email message like this:
Erica,
May I offer a suggestion? If you are sending out an email to multiple people, please send it under BCC and don’t leave addresses exposed to be picked up and used on other groups. It is good “netiquette.” Nobody likes to be spammed. To be honest I am not certain how you got my email address but from the other addresses I recognize in the header I suspect it’s from a friend or a friend of a friend.
I do not want to be included on future emails that do not have the addresses placed under a BCC. Thank you.
My first thought was : “Oh no! Some gay guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed, this morning, without his lube!” Surely, only a gay man would write something like this, right? But to my surprise, it was a WOMAN! Obviously a very BITTER woman who woke up on the other side of that un-greased gay man’s bed!!!. Come on, there is no way a woman could be getting “dicked down” on a regular basis, and have time to write an email like this!
My second thought was: “I need to have this bitch send an email to MR.OLAYINKA ADEBIYI, The SENATE PRESIDENT of the FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA who keeps notifying me that I am the sole beneficiary of the total sum of Twelve Million Three Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling from my cousin UMARU YAR’ADUA WATSON.
Wait. Let me explain. On Tuesday I sent out an email blast to invite people out to my monthly comedy show called Wicked Laughter @ Madame X. This month’s show is really special because it is being sponsored by the Columbia College Chicago Alumni Network of NYC. I got my M.A. and BA from Columbia College, and a lot of us are here in NYC making things happen. We are having a Networking Mixer before my show next Wednesday, August 29 th at 6:30pm. I hope you will join us! http://www.madamexnyc.com
Anyway, I made a mistake and sent out the email without BCC’ing the recipients. Because of me, top secret email addresses and other forms of highly guarded intellectual property got EXPOSED!! Shame on me. Any idiot should know that email addresses must be safely guarded with the highest level of security.
I mean, come on! It’s the internet, everything on the internet is secure. If we start letting email addresses get out in the open, can you imagine what would happen next? Soon, people might actually be able to create a fake identity on line, post pictures, write an explicit personal Ad, asking to meet someone special for a onetime intimate encounter at a buddy booth in the back of a sex shop! We may even be able to get a free ring-tone or possibly receive a Macy’s gift card all with the push of a button!
That’s where we are headed in the near future people. The end is drawing near! FIRST exposed email addresses, NEXT anonymous sex in the clearance section of Macy’s to the sound of Rhianna’s “Umbrella” playing on your phone. (That sounds kinda fun actually, although I prefer Hurricane Chris’s “A Bay Bay” on my phone.)
Seriously, if email exposing continues, the world will become disintegrated and wasted, devoid of all natural resources. Then android-like humans, that are machine-made, will enslave real humans. In order to create the perfect world, a fake world will be created to fool the humans into believing that everything is alright in their world. Then a savior named NEO will join forces with Trinity, and Morpheus to lead the humans to freedom. ......WAIT A MINUTE.......
Oops...that’s already been done in the MARIX!
I digress.
I don’t know, maybe I just have better things to do with my time. I would never be able to visit www.beyonceworld.net 20 times a day, or www.mediatakeout.com if I sent a response to every unsolicited email that I receive. This chick needs to get a life!
Can you imagine what kind of life she already has? Sex with her has got to be the most boring, politically correct experience on the planet.
Does she spell check her “sexual ecstasy shouts”?
“OMG! OMG! Which is ‘netiquette’ or ‘Acronymic Computer Lingo’ for Oh My God! I am cumming! C-U-M-M-I-N-G, not C-O-M-M-I-N-G, which would mean the arrival or approach of something. Then again, I am approaching my climax, not K-L-Y-M-A-X-X, that would be an all-girl funk band from the 80’s.....OMG...OMG...I am a Bitter SBF...38...DD Free....Netiquette Expert......OMG...”
BITCH, SHUT UP!!!
And what the hell is “netiquette” anyway? (Sounds like the way a toothless crack-head from Mississippi would say Connecticut). And what losers really follow “netiquette”?
I, Erica Watson, does not play by the rules in real life, so I for damn sure am not going to subscribe to some code of ethics for email. Maybe this really is the MATRIX? If so, I would love to have a threesome with Lawrence Fishburne and Keanu Reeves. (In the BIG GIRL clearance section of Macy’s, no doubt! A Bay Bay !)
To finish the story, I guess this woman’s concern’s have some merit. Just as I was about to send her a curse out email with a bunch of miss-spelled words with everyone I know BCC’d on it, I get an email from one of the other email recipients saying:
Hey Erica:
Can you forward my Social Butterfly Promotions eblast to everyone on this list? Or, do you mind if I send it to them stating your permission. Let me know. Hopefully, we will see you on Friday!
Best,
Malinda Tyson
I guess MS. NETTI (that’s short for Netiquette from Connecticut) had a valid point. Malinda was gonna try to steal my precious email addresses to advertise her event! So my apologies MS. NETTI. I stand corrected!!
Hey! I hope you all come to WICKED LAUGHTER @ Madame X on 8/29/07 at 8pm to hear more about this and my other rantings.
And if you are in NYC, and you always wanted to learn how to do Chicago Style STEPPING, please go to Malinda’s event. IT IS FREE in HARLEM every Friday. I will be there and I hope you will be too! Come and learn how to “Step in the Name of Love” and meet some beautiful people in NYC!
HARLEM AFTER WORK MINGLE
Friday, August 24th 2007
6pm-10pm
ZIPCODE LOUNGE
2207 Adam Clayton Powell
btw 131st & 132nd
HARLEM, NY
http://www.myspace.com/socialbutterflypromotions
http://steppers.meetup.com/16/
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July 9, 2007 — Erica Watson (Views: 429)
“Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the cutest fat girl of them all?”
This is the question I ask my mirror every morning!
“Of course you are Diva! You Better Work Bitch! (My mirror is a gay man). And it looks like you lost a couple of pounds!” is the usual response that my mirror gives to me, especially if it’s in a good mood! When my mirror is in a bad mood, he may make a bitchy comment about my wardrobe. But I found out recently that my damn mirror is a liar!!!
A while back, a couple of my best friends came to visit me from Chicago. One of them is my gorgeous friend Tina, who has always been a skinny girl. After she got married and had her daughter Khari, she gained a few pounds. Only a FEW! But she swears she is so thick now…so when Tina came to see me, she enjoyed sporting her new line of t-shirts that she designs. She had the nerve to wear one that said THICK across the front.
Tina was admiring herself in my mirror and all of a sudden she says “I don’t like this mirror, it makes me look skinny!” To which I replied “You ARE skinny!”. She turns to look at me with disgust “Shut up! I’m Thick. This mirror just makes me look smaller than I am….I hate mirrors like this!”
I freaked out!!! That means all this time, I’ve been thinking I looked a lot smaller than I do. That damn mirror has been lying to me for months now! DAMN YOU MIRROR!!
Until that moment, I never really realized how important my REFLECTION was. All this time I had been thinking I looked a certain way, trusting that what the mirror revealed to me was true. I looked smaller, so I acted smaller. I thought I was cute, so I acted cute. But once I found out that the reflection that I see may not be what others see, my behavior changed….I wondered how the rest of the world viewed me!
I wonder what people see when they SEE me. I wonder do they really see me at all, or do they see what they want to see.
From this point on, I have decided to be really careful about who’s reflection of me I trust. It’s important that we all make sure that we don’t let the way other people SEE us determine our worth. Their vision might be skewed like my mirror…….
My friend Tina’s daughter Khari is 4 years old. Recently Tina showed Khari my picture on my myspace page and Khari said “Ooooh Mommy, she is beautiful. She looks like Violet from the Incredibles!”
When Tina called me about this I said “They have a cartoon with a fat super hero? Damn, that’s great! Can she fly? I can’t imagine her having enough energy to save somebody!”
“No dummy!” Tina replied “Violet is not fat. She’s one of the kids on the cartoon. She’s a super hero!’
Wow! To little Khari my weight did not matter. To her, I looked like a superhero! I wish I could see myself with her eyes, because to me I am the farthest thing from a super hero!
Since I have been doing comedy, a couple of male comedians have said to me “Erica you are going to be successful because America loves a Big Black Woman! It’s like you are a new aged Mammy. All you gotta do is be sassy and stand on stage with your hands on your hips and say ‘What’s up Motha’ Fucka’s’…you’ll be a star!! “
What is the most upsetting is that it has been BLACK MEN that have said this to me. They don’t see me as a talented, articulate, funny black woman, they see me as a MAMMY!
Then again, Mammy was a superhero too. She kept the plantation running smoothly by helping her “white mistress” with her problems and tending to the chillin’s. I seem to do the same thing with my white girlfriends. They always come to me for advice…but I thought it was because I was smart…not because I shop at Lane Bryant. I didn’t know a size 22/24 automatically made you full of wisdom!
Mammy was also asexual. She had a bunch of kids, but you never knew where they came from.
That’s the one major difference between me and Mammy because I would no doubt have sex with Massa! I am looking for a white husband now, as a matter of fact! I figure all these black guys are dating outside of the race…I might as well do it too.
I think all black women should hook up with a white man and create a super-human race of tragic mullattoes!! The great thing is that at least THESE mixed kids hair would be combed correctly. I can always tell when I see a mixed child whether or not they have black or white momma by looking at the condition of their hair. White momma’s know they can’t comb no black child’s hair….
Then again, that’s what Super Mammy is for!
Here I come to save the day!!!! With a brush and grease for every mixed child who’s having a bad hair day!!! Super mammy can even help the hair situation of little African children that are adopted by white celebrities!!!
Well, no matter what. As of today the only reflection I care about is the one I see in my heart…and she’s beautiful!!!
Love & Laughter,
Erica
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June 18, 2007 — Erica Watson (Views: 364)
(Before I start, make sure you come and see me perform at WICKED LAUGHTER @ Madame Xon Wed. June 27th at 8pm..Free Drinks and $5 cover)
Homeless men love me!
I don’t know what it is about me, but every homeless man in NYC has tried to sleep with me at some point in time. I used to be really offended when a homeless guy would try to holler at me. I mean, what is it about me that would make a homeless man think that he could hit it? Do I look that desperate? Then I thought about it..if a guy has not washed his ass in weeks, doesn’t have a decent place to lay his head, and probably doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from, but he still wants to sleep with me, then I must be a pretty bitch!! Right? I mean, if I was a homeless man , getting some coochie would be the last thing on my mind. But I guess if a woman as fine as me walks by, all his homeless worries go out the window.
I am curious to know where a homeless guy would take me to hit it. Surely he does not think I am going to let him get some in his bed at the shelter? Anyway, after what happened to me on Saturday, I have a new found respect for homeless people in general.
Okay. Where do I start?
This Saturday I went to one of the New York City Recreation Centers to work out with my new personal trainer. His name is KING MATTHEW and I absolutely adore him. First of all he is gorgeous, which gives me a lot of motivation when it comes to working out. He is 6′5″, an ex-model and he is HETEROSEXUAL….yes..he likes girls!! How do I know, because I met his girlfriend, and he trains her as well. Her body is very curvy, in all the right places..so I told him “I want to look like your girlfriend!” and he said “No Erica, you want to look like the best ERICA you can be! ”—-King Matthew is Great!
After we worked out, I decided to go to the spa right next door for a quick facial. I left my gym bag in my locker, which had all of my belongings: cell phone, car keys, house keys and money. After my facial, I would go back to the gym to shower, change clothes and head on down to the Laugh Lounge where I was going to be hosting a comedy show.
The facial was so relaxing, I did not want to leave. After wards, I head back over to the Rec center, and it is CLOSED! It closed at 4pm! Since when does a recreation center close at 4pm on a Saturday? Now, ALL OF MY STUFF was in the locker at the REC center. What was I going to do? I had to be at my comedy show in 2 hours.
I looked like a crack head. I was wearing a dirty white t-shirt and some cotton PINK CAPRI’S…the kind of pink Capri’s that middle-aged fat white women that live in middle America wear when they are going to the Old Country Buffet! I looked like I had just walked out of a Catherine’s or Fashion Bug catalog! All I was missing was a pair of Easy Spirits, a sun visor and a fannie-pack to make the outfit complete. I LOOKED A HOT MESS!!!
Did I mention that I was wearing my WORK-OUT WIG? It is a little ratty wig I wear that sticks up all over my head. Between the synthetic wig and the pink Capri’s, I looked like a gay tumbleweed!
I’m standing in front of the REC center crying my eyes out! What am I going to do? Not only do I have a comedy show, but I am locked out of my apartment, with no where to go.
A couple of people walked by me on the street. I asked a cute couple if I could borrow their cell phone to make a call. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I heard the woman say “I hate homeless people. They need to get jobs!” I’m thinking “Damn…I look homeless! Do homeless people get facials?”
Soon after, an actual homeless man walks by and turns his nose up at me. Then he says “I heard you need to use a phone, you can use mine!” Now, although I should have been grateful, the only thing I could think was “Why the hell does a homeless man have a cell phone? Where do they send his bill?” Anyway….he continues “But you gotta give me $5!” I’m like “Excuse me? $5? Why? Don’t you have free nights and weekends? ” He answers “Yeah, but it’s a $5 service fee for you!”
I walk away pissed! Normally a homeless guy would be trying to get it on with me. But I guess my pink Capri’s were turning him off!! At least I know what to wear to keep the homeless men away from me!
I go back to the SPA and ask them if I can use their phone. Now, I do not really know anyone’s phone number by heart in NYC. But, everyone that I did call would not answer the phone because they did not recognize the number. I think all of my black friends are hiding from bill collectors.
Luckily, my best buddy Mara, who is a white girl answered her phone! (Thank God for white girls..they never hide from bill collectors) She lives right round the corner from the Rec center, so I went to her place.
I walk in Mara’s apartment, and she and her roommate Beatrice can not stop laughing at my outfit. Then I mentioned that I had a show in less than two hours, and they laughed so hard they were crying!
By their reaction I knew I was going to have to explain this outfit to the audience. So I get to the Laugh Lounge, and without hesitation HOST the show in that outfit! I had the best set of my life!! I told the story to the crowd and they loved it!! My friend Erika came to the show to pick me up, and I stayed over at her house. ( Erika didn’t answer her phone earlier, which is strange because although she is black, she dates white men, and they pay her bills!) Actually, Erika has a new book out called “Confessions of a Rookie Cheerleader!” It’s amazing!!
I Digress.
Erika has a Cat named Cody. Cody is gay. I am allergic to Gay Cats. I slept on Cody’s favorite couch. My eyes swelled shut!
On top of this, my chin is itching. Now, I have had allergic reactions to cats before, but they ain’t never made my chin itch! So now I am blind with an itchy chin, a nappy wig and pink Capri’s!
After the swelling went down, I go to look in the mirror and my Chin is red, bumpy and inflamed! All I could think of was Puff Daddy and his Proactive commercials. Obviously the little Chinese lady that did my facial did not realize how important it was to “preserve my sexy” like Puffy!!
Now, it’s one thing to be homeless, but now i have an acne problem too!! DAMNIT! I mean, I’ve never seen a homeless person with acne! Why me God? Why Me?!?
Now, it’s Monday Morning…I still haven’t been in my apartment yet…but I am happy to report that once I went to the gym this morning and changed clothes, a homeless guy tried to holla’ at me on my way to work!
I still got it!!!
Basically, the moral of the story is: If you want a homeless man, DO NOT wear pink Capris!
Love & Laughter,
Erica
P.S. There is a new Cognac made specifically for women called Pour Moi. I am giving away free Pour Moi at my next WICKED LAUGHTER @ Madame X on June 27th. Hope to see you there!!
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